Want to know what my warmup routine is? What kind of mouthpiece I play on?
What I had for breakfast this morning?
Ok, well thank goodness, we didn't actually discuss any of that. But we did get to talk about the many facets of a freelance career in Los Angeles- the path that led me here, the highs and lows we all experience along the way, and ultimately, the balance I've worked to find in life to be truly happy in this crazy and uncertain career. And more than that, this conversation made me think about who I am, who I'm not, and where I'm going.
It was a great honor to be a guest on Anthony Plog's podcast. Tony is a legend himself- a world class composer, a professional trumpet player, a renowned teacher and an adventurer with vast knowledge and rich life experience. To be perfectly honest, when Tony asked if I would do an interview, I looked at the distinguished list of guests he had already hosted and was terribly intimidated. Some of my musical heroes had shared their stories and their wisdom... what did I have to share that would be nearly as worthy? I took note of those insecure, imposter-syndrome thoughts, and had to laugh at myself- the mere fact that those moments still creep in is proof that I'm on the right path... one of self-challenge and explorative growth- of being on the leading edge, and discovering new opportunities that scare you, at least a little. No explorer should ever be too comfortable when pushing boundaries or reaching for a new goal- a little fear is healthy. So sure, Tony- this freelancer is happy to do an interview after the likes of Gail Williams, Dave Krehbiel, Morten Lauridsen, Gene Pokorny, Roger Bobo, Allen Vizzuti, Hakan Hardenberger, Michael Sachs, and many, many other legends... (yikes!)
Navigating the professional music scene in LA as a freelancer can be tricky- especially in the age of addictive social media, divisive world issues, fragile mental health, and an understandably protective (paranoid?) mindset of scarcity and instability due to the tenuous state of the music and film industry. We have to balance the entrepreneurial side of forging our own way as an independent artist with the cooperative, team-centered approach. While I'm certainly proud of my accomplishments and want to share them with friends, family, students, and supporters, it's very easy to unintentionally cross the line of gracious appreciation for opportunities- often, others see it only as aggrandizing self-promotion. Bragging- at their expense, and their loss. On the other hand, I've been told many times that I need to share (at least some of) my accomplishments to "make a name for myself" as a player and teacher- especially for recruiting purposes and job security in a non-tenure track lecturer position. While I know we're all guilty of a little jealousy (and the inevitable self-loathing that comes with it) from time to time, it's a dangerous path as a freelancer to let your self worth be tied to the level of work you're doing. It's a perpetual rollercoaster, and the highs may be few and far between- not only at the beginning of a freelance career, but inexplicably, even once you're well established. We all need to realize our self-worth independently from our work- which is hard to do when music is a deeply personal passion for most of us. There's a lot of room for success in our freelance world, and on any given day, the varying levels of "success" could go to any number of the well-deserving players in town. There's so much more involved than just showing up on time and playing well, and much of it we can't control- and shouldn't waste our energy trying to control. Success and struggle look different for each of us, and we're all on our own journey to find our best balance- our best self-worth.
For the podcast, I knew we would talk about a particularly busy freelance week, some of my favorite (and most well-known) recording work, and the path of my varied career and crazy hobbies. I knew we would mostly discuss my "success", yet there has also been spectacular "failure" and consistent struggle along the way, and I wanted to be transparent about that as well. I admittedly worried about what other freelancers would think if they listened. Would they hear it all as bragging, name-dropping, ego, and narcissism? Would I possibly even lose work because of putting myself out there? Is it better to just hang back quietly and not make too many waves? There are so many other incredible horn players he could interview- am I even worthy? Spiraling, debilitating thoughts, if left unchecked...
Ultimately, my confidence kicked in when I realized this situation is like so many others in performance, in teaching, and in life- a very simple thought: I can only be me. I'm just there to share what I know. I'm there to share my experience and the stories I've lived, no one else's. If anyone is interested in hearing about that, they'll be drawn to it- and if they're not interested, they won't listen: no harm done. No time for "haters". I think this approach has served me well- it's basically a take it or leave it attitude of trusting that we're "good enough"- knowing that we're generally ready for opportunities that come to us, whether or not we feel we are. We might as well be ourselves in that place in time and go for it, because that opportunity arrived for who we are in that moment- not who we think we should be, what we're working towards, or what we think people expect of us. Funny enough, by seizing those opportunities when they're still a reach, we've stretched our abilities and our world view a bit more, and end up with a fresh vantage point to peer out from afterwards. Owning that new perspective is a welcome change, especially when it frees you from worrying about what others think.
So please join Tony and I for a fun, 3 part conversation that spanned a very busy freelance week, some fun stories about recording, and naturally- a discussion about National Parks, flying, conservation in Africa, and property in Alaska. Or don't join - take it or leave it, this is me, and what I have to offer. :)
Many thanks to Anthony Plog for the opportunity, and to producer Eddie Ludema for all his work behind the scenes. Check out the rest of the podcast episodes as well- you're guaranteed to find great conversations with inspiring guests that are wayyyy more interesting than me. ;)
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